I don’t really know how to start this post because I feel whatever I say it is going to be misconstrued by someone, but here goes anyway.
My husband’s daughter, Jane, came to live with us over two years ago, she rarely spoke of her extended family, other than to say how useless they all were or how they never got in touch, she showed distain toward them all. Anyway, Jane got a message out of the blue by one of her mom’s cousins to say that her great grandfather had died and would she be able to go to the funeral, she asked us if we would take her, we said we would see what we could do, after all we have a mortgage etc to pay for and little in the way of disposable income, not to mention limited earn time. My husband, John, made enquiries at work to see if he could get the day off to take, Jane, to North Carolina for the funeral and luckily they allowed him the day at short notice. When he told, Jane, it was a case of driving down the morning of the funeral, 7 hours one way and driving back the same day, she wasn’t pleased.
When you’re paying for a mortgage, cars, bills and child support there is very little money left over to use for play, you’re either saving it or spending it on repairs or home improvements.
Wednesday afternoon,John, called me from work and said to find a cheap hotel on the way to NC so that, Jane, could be refreshed, have a good breakfast and a good nights sleep before heading to the funeral, but it turns out that wasn’t what she actually wanted. I’d overheard, Jane, shouting at her friend on the phone ‘well a few hours with my family is better than nothing, but wait no no its not, it is nothing’, its like she was slapping her Dad and I in the face and telling us we weren’t doing enough for her, she was making us out to be selfish and mean, when in fact we were doing far more than we had to, after all we didn’t have to take her to the funeral at all.
Jane, didn’t care about going to the funeral, she is 14 and doesn’t really know her great grandfather, what she actually wanted to do was go and see her old friends, the ones that taught her to steal, to mess around with much older boys, to smoke (not just cigarettes) and to harm herself, why would any decent parent in their right mind allow their child back in to those situations and environments.
We took, Jane, straight to her moms cousin and handed her over safely to him, making sure he understood what time we were leaving and to make sure she was safe and well taken care of. We didn’t have to take, Jane, to North Carolina, we didn’t have to take her to see her family at all, but what kind of people would we be to stop her saying goodbye to her family, oh thats right, it makes us her mom. John’s, grandfather died last year and he asked if his son, Layne, would be able to go to Connecticut for the funeral, but Layne was scared to ask his mom for fear of being screamed at, Layne, would have been picked up and dropped off back with his mom, Marie, so she would have had no expense at all, but I guess she just wouldn’t have allowed it.
I’m rambling, so I should get back to my point here.
John, knew there was going to be trouble at some point during the day of the funeral, luckily, Jane’s, mom, Marie, didn’t turn up even though it was her grandfather that had passed, so the only other place it could come from was, Jane, or Marie’s, family.
John, pretty much walked in to the lions den when he went to pick, Jane, up. She came out of her great aunts trailer (she calls her grammy, even though her grammy died of a drug overdose and the woman she calls grammy is actually her mothers aunt) and told him she didn’t want to leave and walked straight back in to the trailer again. Thank goodness the cousin came out and talked to, John, then all the other cousins and an uncle came out and surrounded him, trying to intimidate him one by one, but, John, kept calm and waited. Thirty minutes after we arrived to pick up, Jane, her cousin went back in the trailer and said she needed to leave, reluctantly she came out and proceeded to sulk all the way home.
Jane’s, cousin told us that she had said she was unhappy because we hadn’t taken her to see her friends and thats what she really wanted to do and it wasn’t fair that we didn’t give her more time. I’m sorry but this was not a vacation, it was a funeral.
That night when we got back I asked, Jane, if they’d all been talking badly of us and she just gave me a huge grin and said ‘no, not really’ and then she said how she had talked to her mom and grandfather and had seen her baby sister on webcam etc, we had no problem with that, after all they are part of her family. What we had a problem with was her saying she wanted to go back to live with her mom. She came to us because of the abuse she was subjected to at the hands of her mom, now all of a sudden mom is the best thing in the world, she has a nice home (an apartment paid for by the army, as her latest husband is a soldier) that has a lake out the back and her mom was doing ok for herself again. It upset us because we have a beautiful home, a brand new four bedroom, 3 bath house, she has never been subject to any kind of abuse in our home and has been given everything she said she ever wanted, but it seems that’s not good enough, it seems nothing we do is ever good enough!
So roll on a week and she has been talking to her mom constantly, is reporting back everything that goes on in our home and is basically being her sneaky, lying little self.
Taking her to see her family in NC seems to have opened up a pandora’s box and now my husband, son and I are paying the price. Just goes to show that no matter how good you are to your children, no matter how much you try to do the right thing, after they have been alienated for years you are never going to change their mind about you, you are always going to be bad, evil and all the rest.
I feel like I am at my wits end, I know, Jane, and her mom are plotting, we’re just waiting for the false allegations to start again, we know its coming, but I am sure its going to be a shock when it does. Its amazing how much damage one person can cause, how much they can be in your home when they don’t even live there, how the infiltrate even the safest of places. I don’t know who to be more scared of, Jane, or her mother, Marie.
Parental Alienation doesn’t stop when you finally get to have some sort of relationship with your kids again, the children are so ingrained to hate the alienated parent that no matter what that parent does they are never going to be loved or cared for the way the alienating parent is.