When doing the right thing goes wrong.

I don’t really know how to start this post because I feel whatever I say it is going to be misconstrued by someone, but here goes anyway.

My husband’s daughter, Jane, came to live with us over two years ago, she rarely spoke of her extended family, other than to say how useless they all were or how they never got in touch, she showed distain toward them all. Anyway, Jane got a message out of the blue by one of her mom’s cousins to say that her great grandfather had died and would she be able to go to the funeral, she asked us if we would take her, we said we would see what we could do, after all we have a mortgage etc to pay for and little in the way of disposable income, not to mention limited earn time. My husband, John, made enquiries at work to see if he could get the day off to take, Jane, to North Carolina for the funeral and luckily they allowed him the day at short notice. When he told, Jane, it was a case of driving down the morning of the funeral, 7 hours one way and driving back the same day, she wasn’t pleased.

When you’re paying for a mortgage, cars, bills and child support there is very little money left over to use for play, you’re either saving it or spending it on repairs or home improvements.

Wednesday afternoon,John, called me from work and said to find a cheap hotel on the way to NC so that, Jane, could be refreshed, have a good breakfast and a good nights sleep before heading to the funeral, but it turns out that wasn’t what she actually wanted. I’d overheard, Jane, shouting at her friend on the phone ‘well a few hours with my family is better than nothing, but wait no no its not, it is nothing’, its like she was slapping her Dad and I in the face and telling us we weren’t doing enough for her, she was making us out to be selfish and mean, when in fact we were doing far more than we had to, after all we didn’t have to take her to the funeral at all.

Jane, didn’t care about going to the funeral, she is 14 and doesn’t really know her great grandfather, what she actually wanted to do was go and see her old friends, the ones that taught her to steal, to mess around with much older boys, to smoke (not just cigarettes) and to harm herself, why would any decent parent in their right mind allow their child back in to those situations and environments.

We took, Jane, straight to her moms cousin and handed her over safely to him, making sure he understood what time we were leaving and to make sure she was safe and well taken care of. We didn’t have to take, Jane, to North Carolina, we didn’t have to take her to see her family at all, but what kind of people would we be to stop her saying goodbye to her family, oh thats right, it makes us her mom. John’s, grandfather died last year and he asked if his son, Layne, would be able to go to Connecticut for the funeral, but Layne was scared to ask his mom for fear of being screamed at, Layne, would have been picked up and dropped off back with his mom, Marie, so she would have had no expense at all, but I guess she just wouldn’t have allowed it.

I’m rambling, so I should get back to my point here.

John, knew there was going to be trouble at some point during the day of the funeral, luckily, Jane’s, mom, Marie, didn’t turn up even though it was her grandfather that had passed, so the only other place it could come from was, Jane, or Marie’s, family.

John, pretty much walked in to the lions den when he went to pick, Jane, up. She came out of her great aunts trailer (she calls her grammy, even though her grammy died of a drug overdose and the woman she calls grammy is actually her mothers aunt) and told him she didn’t want to leave and walked straight back in to the trailer again. Thank goodness the cousin came out and talked to, John, then all the other cousins and an uncle came out and surrounded him, trying to intimidate him one by one, but, John, kept calm and waited. Thirty minutes after we arrived to pick up, Jane, her cousin went back in the trailer and said she needed to leave, reluctantly she came out and proceeded to sulk all the way home.

Jane’s, cousin told us that she had said she was unhappy because we hadn’t taken her to see her friends and thats what she really wanted to do and it wasn’t fair that we didn’t give her more time. I’m sorry but this was not a vacation, it was a funeral.

That night when we got back I asked, Jane, if they’d all been talking badly of us and she just gave me a huge grin and said ‘no, not really’ and then she said how she had talked to her mom and grandfather and had seen her baby sister on webcam etc, we had no problem with that, after all they are part of her family. What we had a problem with was her saying she wanted to go back to live with her mom. She came to us because of the abuse she was subjected to at the hands of her mom, now all of a sudden mom is the best thing in the world, she has a nice home (an apartment paid for by the army, as her latest husband is a soldier) that has a lake out the back and her mom was doing ok for herself again. It upset us because we have a beautiful home, a brand new four bedroom, 3 bath house, she has never been subject to any kind of abuse in our home and has been given everything she said she ever wanted, but it seems that’s not good enough, it seems nothing we do is ever good enough!

So roll on a week and she has been talking to her mom constantly, is reporting back everything that goes on in our home and is basically being her sneaky, lying little self.

Taking her to see her family in NC seems to have opened up a pandora’s box and now my  husband, son and I are paying the price. Just goes to show that no matter how good you are to your children,  no matter how much you try to do the right thing, after they have been alienated for years you are never going to change their mind about you, you are always going to be bad, evil and all the rest.

I feel like I am at my wits end, I know, Jane, and her mom are plotting, we’re just waiting for the false allegations to start again, we know its coming, but I am sure its going to be a shock when it does. Its amazing how much damage one person can cause, how much they can be in your home when they don’t even live there, how the infiltrate even the safest of places. I don’t know who to be more scared of, Jane, or her mother, Marie.

Parental Alienation doesn’t stop when you finally get to have some sort of relationship with your kids again, the children are so ingrained to hate the alienated parent that no matter what that parent does they are never going to be loved or cared for the way the alienating parent is.

 

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You cheated, but blamed me for the break up of your marriage.

Dear Marie,

In 2003/2004 you chose to cheat on your husband, John, whilst he was in Iraq. You had another man, Dave, living in your apartment, he only moved out the day, John, got home from Iraq, you still had his things hanging in John’s closet, you still had his check book and credit cards and had to give them to a neighbor to mail back to him. Here is an excerpt from an email, John, received from Becky:

Mia actually mailed the boyfriend guy back his checkbook and credit cards he had left Maria after you were already back from Iraq. She said something like she didn’t think you two were going to get back together.

See the thing is, John, didn’t even know you were split up at that point, he didn’t know you had any intentions of leaving him, he didn’t even know you weren’t a couple.

John’s Mom went to visit you when, Jane, was born, she saw Dave’s shoes tucked under your bed, she found condoms in your room, she found traces of Dave and his daughter every where in the apartment, she even heard Dave’s daughter calling you Mommy. She  saw on your YAHOO chat next to John’s name was written ASSHOLE, now why would you do that?!

When, John, arrived home he was going through his closet and found clothing belonging to Dave, he questioned you about it and you lied to his face saying they were his, John knew they weren’t they were too small.

In September 2004 you left John, saying you were returning home to NC to see your family, you took the two children, Jane, barely a year old and, Layne almost 3 and never returned to John. Instead you sent him an email saying you weren’t going back to him. Not even 6 months later you were living with another man, Chris, but lying to, John, about it.

Chris was a mechanic at a Ford dealership, John, found out because, Layne, who was living with John’s mom at the time, told him he worked on horse cars. John asked you about it and you denied it, saying that, Layne, was lying, only guess what it was all true.

I met, John, in 2005, he was a big mess from the stunts you were pulling and lies you were telling, we decided we wanted to be nothing more than friends, I know I didn’t want to get in the middle of whatever it was you were doing to him, he needed time and space, after all he still held out hope that you two would reunite even for the kids sake.

I was never in your marriage, you, John, and Lord knows how many different men were. John, never stood a chance with all your lying and cheating.

You have told as many people as possible, including the children, that I caused the breakup of your marriage to, John, you and I both know thats not true, we both know you couldn’t be faithful for even a moment.

There are three men I definitely know of that you cheated on John with, Dave, Jerry and Chris, how many others were there. I know that since you divorced, John, there has been another Dave and countless others, here’s a list of who we know of: two different Steve’s,  Dan, Rick, Kevin, Joe, we also know there are others but what does it matter now.

John and I have been married 10 years now, no cheating or lying, we’ve been through some tough time because of you, you’ve lied about us to everyone and anyone you could. I hope this new marriage lasts, its what the third or fourth one since you divorced, John, this one is also a soldier, will you cheat on him too when he deploys, will you go on Plenty of Fish or Yahoo chat and find someone else to cheat with?

Yes I am angry at you.

Jane, you know, the daughter you pay no child support for, lives in my house and the things she has said about, John and I, and to us because of what she was told by you have been horrendous, I truly don’t know how you live with yourself.

I hope you never put another living soul through the torment you have put, John, myself and the kids through, I hope your new husband and baby never feel the pain and suffering my family has felt because of you, I hope one day you can be the decent, honest, law abiding, God fearing person you pretend to be.

You lied, cheated and then played the victim, you caused the break up of your marriage by cheating, you and you alone are responsible for that break up.

In closing I want to say this: I hope one day you find this blog, I hope one day can accept that things fell apart because of you, and you alone, I hope one day you can sincerely apologize, not just to John and I, but to the children and friends and family you lied to and about. I hope one day you can find peace from the lies you have told and keep telling. And I hope one day, John, and I can move on from the torture and torment you have put us through and keep putting us though, we never deserved your vitriol, we never deserved your threats and abusive behavior, we never deserved you! I don’t hate you, I just feel pity and sympathy, oh and I hope I never come across anyone like you ever again.

Wishing you all the best.

Naomi

 

I am a Federal

In 2008 my husband, John, and I were returning his children to their Mom, Marie, in North Carolina, we had followed the court order to the T, picked up at the agreed time and place and dropped off at the agreed time and place, kids talked to Mom whenever they wanted, there was no blocking of phone calls etc, but that just wasn’t enough for Mom.

My Mother in Law went to pick the children up in NC because my husband couldn’t get the time off from work, she was met with complete hostility from both Marie and her friends, they surrounded her truck and made threats to her, Marie wasn’t even going to let the children go because John hadn’t been the one to drive down to get them, however her lawyer advised her to let them go and she did, reluctantly.

The return of the children was even worse, the very same people were there and trying their best to harass and intimidate John and I. I had already researched the rules on videoing and voice recording people in that state and knew that as long as one person knew about the recording going on it was legal, even on private ground, so I started recording the moment we pulled in to the drive way area of the trailer. The children got out of the car and with my husband they went to their Mom, he gave her their belongings and they were ushered in to the home before they were even allowed to say ‘bye’ or give him a hug, it upset my hubby a little but he let it go, this is where the harassment and intimidation started.

This long haired, overweight, scruffy man, was there alone with his wife, my husband asked why they were there and what the hand over was to do with them, the man said he was there to ensure the safe handover of the children and we asked him why and he said because that was what Marie had asked him to do. I sat in the car videoing all that was going on and my husband had a voice recorder recording the conversation they were having, the wannabe walked over to me and said:

Him: You cannot tape me

Me: Yes I can, I  read the laws on the matter and it is perfectly legal for me to do this.

Him: Well I am a Federal

I spoke over him and asked: Federal what?

Him: Federal Officer and when I go under I go way under.

He proceeded to flash a badge at me and when I asked to see it again, he said:

Him: You cannot touch my stuff

Me: Go ahead and call the police

He never called the police.

Meanwhile my husband was recording his wife, Maggie, she was saying that same thing that her husband was a Federal Officer and was there to ensure the safe handover of the children. There had never been any trouble in the past, well other than Marie shouting at the Judges when told to had over the children, nothing had ever come from my husband and his side of the family.

John, came to the car and took the card out of the camera and put in another one, took it to the wannabe and showed him what was on the camera, he laughed and thought it was pretty stupid of me to act like I was recording him. Half an hour later we were at the Sheriffs Department showing him the video, he took it from us and went back to show the deputies, he came back laughing and told us who this guy was. This man (he looked like a Wannabe Dog the Bounty Hunter) was a Bail Bonds Man, his name was Ron, and he had just committed a crime by impersonating a Federal Officer, needless to say charges were filled and a warrant was put out for his arrest.

Ron, the wannabe Dog, hired a lawyer and thought he would get away with it because we had no proof, however we made his lawyer aware that we had proof and the captain at the sheriffs department had seen it, we gave him a copy and pretty much the rest is history.

From that visitation onward we were told that all pick ups would be done at the Sheriffs Department, we were to go in and tell them we were there and then return to our vehicle. Marie, was angry that she had been found out and blamed us, she said it was all our fault even though we followed the court order. From then on pick ups just got worse until we were forced to stop altogether.

I wonder why so many women seem to think they can get away with their actions or that the Daddy is just going to let her do whatever and nothing will be done. Don’t get me wrong it did eventually get to that stage, but only because of the threats she made with regard to my son.

Many men are left with little recourse after a divorce and child custody/support hearing. My hubby was left with very little money to live on, $250 a month to be exact, he couldn’t afford to hire a lawyer, just like so many other men in the same situation.

Its wrong that Dads are left with very little when it comes to divorce and their children, kids deserve their Daddies and Daddies deserve their kids, no man should have to fight to see his children, Moms don’t so why should Dads?

 

 

 

 

Two Children

My husband, John, has two children to his ex-wife, Marie, the girl, Jane, lives with us and has done for over two years, the boy, Layne, still lives with his Mom.

October 2009  was the last time John got to spend any real time with both of his children together. We had driven 17 hours to NC to see them, we’d rented an apartment by the beach for two nights so that we could have some fun, give Layne his birthday gifts and just spend some times with the kids.

We had to do all handovers at the Sheriffs Department due to Marie’s prior behavior and what a production it was each and every time.

We arrived at the Sheriffs Department to pick the kids up and she was throwing a hissy fit, saying ‘he is not taking my children, without signing this paperwork saying that I’m allowing him to see them’, John had already been told not to sign anything she drew up as it was not legally binding and against the courts rules. So there we are sat in the car outside when the Sheriffs Deputy came over and asked us what was going on, my husband showed him the texts that Jane had sent saying we could have the children, there was nothing stating we had to stay in the state of NC, we also showed him the court paperwork and he agreed we were above board. Marie, started throwing a hissy fit again when the Deputy told her he had seen all the texts and court documents and said she could either hand the children over or John had the right to file a motion of contempt, she eventually gave in and we took the children, that was the last time we were to see both children together as a family, Marie never allowed it again.

In 2010 Marie remarried, she never told us, she was supposed to, we didn’t worry about it, especially as it meant more people to love the children, however, Marie started making threats against my family and she all of a sudden started moving every few months and we were never able to keep up.

We have sole legal custody of Jane now, its been over two years but still we can’t seem to break through the barrier with Layne, we hold out that one day he will want to get to know us all again, but we won’t hold our breaths.

Two Years

Its been over two years since my step daughter, Jane, came to live with us and only three weeks since she has been in touch with her mother, Marie, again and what a change three weeks has seen.

In 2015 my husband, John, got a message out of blue from Jane asking for his help, ecstatic he had heard from her but worried about her all the same time, my husband, son, MIL and I, drove 17 hours to get to her in NC. We hired a lawyer that came recommended by a Supreme Court Judge and got sole legal custody.

Its been over 2 years since Jane came to us, its been a rough two years but we thought we were seeing progress and the mood swings seemed to be disappearing. In no less than 3 weeks all that hard work seems to have gone, we have seen sullen, moody, aggressive, confrontational behavior, a total change from the happy teen she was becoming,

This evening we made a lovely Chicken Alfredo with Garlic Bread and a nice big salad, its one of Jane’s favorites, we called her down to eat and she barely even acknowledged us, kept the hood of her sweatshirt up, didn’t respond when spoken to, sat with her back to everyone and as soon as she had finished eating she went straight back upstairs. Now this has been going on since the day after Christmas and its driving me crazy, I say nothing because I don’t want a huge argument blowing up and that is what she wants.

Before Jane came to us she was told I was the reason for the break up of her parents marriage and I was the person she was supposed to hate, none of it was true and we told her that. So fast forward to today and all the progress we had made has gone right out the window, she is back to hating her Dad and I, back to being a stranger and back to her old selfish hating ways.

We don’t want to stop her talking to her Mom, but when she had been alienated from us for over 6 years, with the alienation starting way before that, I have to wonder if we are ever going to have a happy ending. With Marie in Jane’s ear again I have to wonder what horrendous lies she is making up this time? Do we stop Jane talking with her Mom again, surely thats playing games and we’re not about that, we are at a loss right now, how do we get things back to the way they were?

I was alienated from my Dad for 16 years, now we have a great relationship and I can go to him for anything, I don’t see that happy ending for my husband and Jane, she was alienated from a much younger age than I was and I think its so deeply ingrained in her that even though she lives with us she still hates us.

Not all re-unifications have happy endings but, we’re still holding out that this one does.

When I was little

I always worried about my Dad, I hated that he had to work late and in all kinds of weather, often I would sit by the window and wait for him to get home, happy as soon as I would hear the key in the lock. My Mum, although she worked full time, was home with me every evening except Tuesday, my Dad would get me bundled up on a Tuesday night and we’d go get fish and chips on the way to picking my Mum up, this was our ritual every Tuesday right up until my Mum decided she no longer wanted my Dad.

My Dad had his faults, he would like a drink on occasion and get a bit loud, but he was never aggressive. He always had time for me, told me every day how much he loved me, he would even tolerate me pulling his head around whilst I did his hair, he was patient and loving, never do I remember him ever raising his hand to me.

My Mum, well she was a different kettle of fish, she worked hard like my Dad, but she always seemed to create an atmosphere of unease, I was nervous around her and always felt I was never good enough, I felt extreme loneliness around her. She would raise her voice often and wouldn’t let me make noise, even reading a book and turning the page would annoy her.

When my Mum decided she wanted a divorce, she went to a lawyer and had the paperwork drawn up, we had just been back a week from a holiday in Cyprus when my Dad was served with the papers and before I knew it he was out of the house. My Mum threw his clothes out on the rose bushes we had in the front garden for the whole neighborhood to see, it was heartbreaking and embarrassing for both my Dad and I. After two weeks my Mum calmed down and asked my Dad to come back, he refused, he was fed up of being shouted at and abused, why would he come back?! From the day he said no my Mum went to town telling everyone my Dad had left us and that she was heartbroken he had left. Being 11 I believed he had left me, it wasn’t until I was 16 I found out the truth and what she had done, all those years I had spent hating my Dad, all those years my Mum had said what a bad person he was, only to find out she had told him to leave, I never knew she had filed for divorce, she always said it was him.

Until I met my husband I didn’t realize that my Mum’s type of behavior went on all over the world, I didn’t realize that men were being pushed out of their children’s lives due to bitter ex-wives, I didn’t realize their was a name for it and I didn’t realize that it had happened to me.  I was your typical ‘dads don’t deserve their children and mum should get the kids’ feminist, I certainly don’t feel that way now, especially as my eyes have been opened to the way Dads have to fight to see their kids but Moms don’t.

I loved my Dad so much when I was little and I missed out on 16 years with him, we can’t get back that time, but we are certainly making up for it now. I love you Dad x

Have you ever been…..

…….. in a situation where you feel you can’t do anything right? Well thats how my husband and I are feeling right now.

My stepdaughter, Jane, came to live with us in 2015, she was 11 at the time, troubled, dealing with neglect, abuse and ptsd (diagnosed by a counselor before we gained custody of her)  all at the hands of her mom and generally a very unhappy child.

I should mention at this point that my husband and I have one child together, a boy, David, he’s 10 years old, loves science and the universe and wants to be an Astrophysicist when he grows up.

From the moment, Jane, came to live with us we have tried to give her everything she has asked for, phones, laptops, the list goes on. Before Christmas she spoke to her Mom (first time in over 2 years) and wished her Happy Birthday, we were happy for her to do it, but ever since she has been Little Miss Attitude, we don’t know what was said or done, but all of a sudden her Dad and I are the bad guys, she even tried to start an argument on Christmas Eve over some perceived slight that never happened. Christmas Morning roles around and she is all sweetness and light again like nothing had happened the day before, no apologies etc, she opened her gifts and never really said much about them, she received a laptop the same as David, she received clothes and sneakers, along with many other things, but still she made us feel we had not given her enough.

Now I understand that you should never give with the expectation of receiving anything in return, my husband and I never expect anything in return other than a thanks, but I think this year we were a little fed up by Jane’s behavior. David, felt he didn’t deserve more than half of what he received because he’d been rude to me on and off during the year, he said he felt guilty taking the things and didn’t want to take them. Jane, on the other hand just looked disappointed, a new laptop etc wasn’t enough, she wanted yet another new phone (she’s had three, the last two were expensive and she’s broken all three of them because she refused to keep the protective covers on them, oh and she set fire to one of them). So you have one child who doesn’t feel deserving and the other that feels entitled and we’re at loss on how to deal with it, if we even deal with it at all.

I wonder how many other parents/step parents feel this way? I know next year there will be far less under the tree as I refuse to be made feel that my husband and I aren’t giving enough. Or,  orrrrr, may be I should do like the mother on FB did, and give the kids wrapped empty boxes to open on Christmas Day. I wonder how that would go down, I wonder if we would have an amateur dramatics performance for days and weeks to come or I wonder if may be she would think about her behavior and possibly try to change her ways, I guess I can always live in hope.

I have to add here, Christmas isn’t the only time we experience this kind of behavior, this happens all year through, on vacations, birthdays and any other special occasions, I think I am done with it though and lessons need to be taught in 2018